My Angel - the reason for my time away

We had some very sad news in October 2012.... the news that our beautiful little Angel was sleeping. Our baby's heart was silent and still, I was 12.5 weeks pregnant.

An Angel from the Book of Life

Wrote down my baby's birth,

And whispered as she closed the book

"Too Beautiful For Earth"

Author Unknown 

This peom always makes me teary these days. It is so beautiful to me. And it describes my baby, and all angel babies, perfectly.

In 10 days I would have been 7 months pregnant, however instead we have an angel to remind me how precious life really is and to help me appreciate every moment. I know now that no matter how much we plan out our lives, our lives are already planned out for us. WE had so many plans for our baby. This has changed me. I will never forget. The deep deep saddness, the aloneness that is so empty it cannot be filled by family and friends, only the love of our child we will never meet, only long for.

Our friends and family were wonderful. Sadly I have learned through many friends who have shared their experiences too that these Angels are all too common. Although this saddens me greatly, I feel greatful being given a chance to be part of your experience as well as be provided the opportunity to begin healing, in the form of talking and realising what I feel is normal and to know these babies are never forgotton.

I can say there isnt a day I dont think about our baby. Even little thoughts that seem automatic and unintentional. Such as someone offers me wine, or I eat soft cheese for a moment as if my mind is torturing me, i think "I cant have that 'cos i'm...oh wait....no I'm not..." and then for reasons I cant explain I feel guilty because I have that wine or cheese. Weird I know! 

I am guilty of being someone who has thought with the best intentions and the kindness of my heart...at least it was early, and heaven forbid I may have even said it to someone. I never could imagine what loosing a full term baby would feel like and I dont ever want to. But these words actually dont ease the pain of loosing a baby at ANY stage. Once you have a positive test you have a baby, in your thoughts and plans it is definately a baby, no matter what physical stage it is at. 

We saw our baby's heart beat at a mere 7 weeks, we saw a head, a spine, a body and we even saw where our babies arms and legs were begining to form. We heard the heart beat at 8 weeks and the feeling of a life growing inside me was very much alive and real. My weekly emails about my baby told me our baby was no longer an embryo but a fetus at our 8 week scan, and that the definition of fetus means "little one". Although not quite 2 centimetres that week the embryonic tail was gone, and all organs, muscles, and nerves were beginning to function. The hands could bend at the wrist, and the feet began to lose their webbed appearance. Eyelids were beginning to cover the eyes. 

We lost a BABY on the 5th of October 2012. 

I don't want to hear it was for the best, or they are in a better place now. I truly believe that our little angel would have brightened up our world and we would have loved our baby no matter what, we have a pretty damn good place here. It was meant to be is not comforting, we wanted this baby, it was MEANT to be with us.

We are unsure at what stage between our 8 week scan and our appointment at 12 and a half weeks we lost our "little one". I do feel terrible for our baby that I could spend at least the last 2 weeks being so happy when telling EVERYONE our news. I feel guilty that I did not know, although how could I have. I assumed I just felt "better" and was one of the "lucky" ones.

So now I find myself turning to poems and affirmations, searching for anything that puts into kind words exactly how I feel, and that say sweet things to help get me through.... 

I am told things will get easier but I will never forget.

I have created a blog about this very unspoken topic, for my own benifit really in our baby's memory, as the saddness I feel makes me want to never forget that a tiny little heart did beat. If it helps someone along the the way thats a bonus. It is simply to allow a memory to live on and hope to maybe create more of an awareness for something that is rarely spoken about in the general population. It is currently not published yet. I will not be posting anymore on this topic in this blog, apart from to inform you when I publish my new one. SWEET Ollie Boutique will continue to be about my craft with snippets about my family, as before, so you can get to know me too by reading a slice of my life in perspective.

So that is where I have been the last 4 months, recovering I guess. 



...and to my little one...

'Some people thought we were crazy wanting 3 kids so close together but we were over the moon when we found out we were pregnant with you. There was going to be 22 months between you and your brother Nate, and 41 between you and your biggest brother Ollie. Unfortunately life was so busy during your short stay with us that 12 weeks really happened so fast and you were taken from us way to soon…' - Mummy

"when hearts listen, angels sing"
"always leave room in your life for Angels to dance",